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Backtracking, not packing

Since we are stuck in Iraklio, Crete’s capital, after our ferry to Santorini was canceled due to wind (wind!), I’ve become rather grumpy. Then, my pizza had ham in it. Like it was baked into the cheese or something because I couldn’t pick it off. Agony! We’ve failed tremendously as vegetarians in Greece. After looking up several veg restaurants in Athens, google mapping them, reading reviews and trekking across the city, NONE OF THEM EXISTED. Or they’d been closed and the websites haven’t been updated since the Trojan war or something. After our second failed attempt, we were so exhausted and hungry that we ended up eating a bag of croissant-shaped rolls for dinner from a kiosk. Then we had some ouzo, which tastes a lot like licorice, with a friend of Mike’s, who owns the cafe next to his flower shop. He told me I gave shitty dating advice and then I broke one of his glasses (there’s no connection). We learned that the male fascination with girl-girl-guy threesomes is prevalent outside the U.S. They don’t have craigslist here, but everyone starts drinking at 9am, so I think threesomes are still a possibility. Not that I’m going to do extensive research to find out or anything. Plus, Katy Pery’s “I kissed a girl” is playing everywhere, which is clearly a valuable education aid.

In every city we’ve been to, there have been African guys selling fake Prada and Louis Vitton purses and Indian guys selling these squishy tomato toys that splat and then return to their original tomato shape.  It goes like this:

So nifty, yeah?! I would so totally leave my home country and sell these to tourists for the rest of my days, if I could. But then, maybe I’m missing something. I mean, it took us 15 minutes to figure out how to use a calling card. We had to keep going back to the Western Union lady and getting further instruction. There are like 8 extra numbers! And you have to stick it in there and LEAVE it in there. There’s no “press here if you’re retarded” button anywhere.


In Hania, we were chased very slowly by an old man who we were told had been “whipping it out” at young girls and shouting “Malaka!” (which means asshole, roughly). It’s a good thing my mom made me do all those Leslie Sansone Walk the Weight Off at Home videos because he didn’t even have time to unzip before we had power walked our way on past him (and lost half a pound).

Here’s a picture that I didn’t take of Hania:

This could be from 1987 for all I know. But isn’t it pretty? Our camera cord is stored at the bus station, otherwise, I’d post more. Or I could describe them, but that’d be like a thousand words per picture if I adhered to the idiom and I don’t have that kind of money to waste at the internet cafe since I had to buy a plane ticket to Lesvos from Iraklio because I am ready to be surrounded by lesbians already.


4 Responses

  1. It all sounds so multi-cultural with the African guys selling French syle merchandise and the Indian guys selling Chinese (Korean?) goods. I could do without the image in my mind of an old man’s junk, even though I am an old woman – yuck! Good thing your mother taught you well how to power walk! I love the references to your mother!
    The color of the water is real pretty but a little mucky in that one photo in the city.

  2. that tomato video was kind of hypnotizing…i couldn’t look away. really.
    good luck on getting to lesvos!

  3. I’ve finally started to catch up on your blog and I love it. It’s hilarious and beautiful! I remember trying to explain to my friend that lesbians are named after Lesbos bus also Sappho too – “You know, when they talk about Sapphic love.” “That’s not true,” she said. “It’s only because of Lesbos. That’s why they’re called lesbians and not sapphires.”

  4. Let’s hope Lesvos isn’t as obsessed with threesomes. Or, if the locals are, they’re pretty Greek lesbians who are seeking out a cute American couple.

    I get exhausted just thinking about the culture shock you’re both going through right now! Let the next leg of your trip be easier in some way!

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